I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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