Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
