Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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