i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Couch. On fire.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
