You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
