i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Pants are for mortals
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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