Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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