No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
