I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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