I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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