We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
