The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
