Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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