apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
