she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
