So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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