I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
