I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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