"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
