that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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