it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What a dumb baby whore.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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