My first STD was from a foam party
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize