The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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