Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
