Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize