make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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