I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
