Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
