take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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