I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
