Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
