I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
