Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
