Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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