last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
