yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
