nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
