I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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