I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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