Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
