Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
