Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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