Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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