Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
