I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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