He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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