it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He passed out mid-signature
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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