census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
