I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize