How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
