It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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