Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
