I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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