i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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