I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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