omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
