We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did I show you my penis last night?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
