We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
