I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
