Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
