People with herpes should wear stickers.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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