apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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