well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I did not marry a roomba.
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