You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
