Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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