when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
