This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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