Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize