I think i peed on brittanys purse
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
