Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
