i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
