i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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